Choke Me In The Shallow Water Before I Get Too Deep

So, tomorrow I'm off to Albany for the last of my school psychology PhD interviews. I'll just be glad to get that over with. Well, I should say that the interview isn't until Friday morning, but I'm going on Thursday to hang out with Stacey Leigh and her son, Jacob for the afternoon. But, I just want to be past the stress of doing all of these interviews. They really take a toll on me. They've even started to affect me physically. You know how you always get butterflies in your stomach whenever you get really stressed about something? I have butterflies in my stomach 24 hours a day 7 days a week now. Constant. At any moment of any day, I can feel the anxiety over something just swell up inside of me and tighten my insides in a knot. So, I'm at the point where I don't even care if I get into the damn school; I just want to be done with interviewing. I also want to be done with not knowing. 2006 was such a crazy year for me because I was in a constant state of not knowing what my life was going to be like in a year or six months. Now, I'm getting to the point where I feel like I need to have some resolution to those questions. The uncertainty about my life has had such effects...Ever tried thinking about relationships when you don't even know if you're going to be around in a couple of months? Yeah, what's the point? So, I don't even think about those sorts of things anymore, to my dismay. What's the point of starting a relationship with someone in New Hampshire when I might be living in fucking Georgia in six months? Pointless.

But, anyhow, now I'm starting to wonder what happens if I don't get into any PhD program. It's certainly a possibility. I'm relatively certain that South Florida and Georgia are out of the question. Berkeley is a no go. That leaves Albany or bust. So, if it's bust, then what? Well, I've started to explore those options. The most prominent of these is that I could get teacher certified and teach. That seems like it would be a pretty good option for me. I could apply for something called an "Alternative 4" which basically means that the state has a "critical shortage" in a certain teaching area (in this case special ed.) and I could start working without certification, then take courses while I'm teaching in order to get certified. I think they give you something like 3 years to get it done. Then, because I have an MFA in Poetry (or will), I would be highly qualified to teach English and that would be good.

Some other options: I could do the Autism Certification program at Antioch--which would take 9 months--then try applying to PhD programs again. That would basically be a resume builder for me. I could try to get into a master's program in school psychology. The reason that I would do this instead of a PhD program would be because I want to work in a school setting as a school psychologist. You can do that with a masters. The benefit of getting a PhD is that it opens up the door for the opportunity to work in a university setting an do research. Which is a nice option to have, but the question I need to answer is, is that necessary for me? I'm more of a hands on person. Some more "out there" options would be to try to get into a PhD program for English, or a PhD program in some other field of psychology. The benefit of those options are that I could apply to start in the winter semester. School psychology programs only admit in the fall. Also, in lieu of teacher certification, I could enroll in the masters of education program at Keene State. Another option would be just to try to find a job as an editor. I could probably swing that with my MFA. So, anyway, those are the options.

Today, Stacey sent me an email saying that she didn't think I'd be interested in doing teacher certification. I think it may have been because of the tone that I put into my email to her about it. But, that tone was more because of all the applying and hoop-jumping that I'd have to do. I've done so much of that lately, that honestly, I'm just weary of it. I'm weary in general. I don't want to go through any more beaurocracy. I don't. I just want to be. But, I'd love to teach. That would be so cool.

Anyway, one question that Stacey asked me was what I wanted to be. I don't think it's a matter of what I want to be. I am what I am......ok, let me de-popeye-ify that: what I am is what I am. The question is what career can I find that fits what I am. And what I am is a giver...a helper. You know, on my trip to Florida and back recently I spent time at my friend Julie's house and got to hang out with her kids a lot. Kids respond to me. I have this unusual rapport with them. Like...my instincts with kids....I'm weird that way. A strange twist of fate is that I have terrible, disasterous...I mean titanical instincts when it comes to women. But, when it comes to their kids, somehow I have a midas touch. Anyway, point being is that I should be in a career that involves children. It is just the right place for me to be. So, at least I have that much figured out!